How I overcame social anxiety – Part 1

I’ve never spoken publicly about my anxiety before.  I don’t think most people publicly share their struggles with anxiety.

Lately I’ve seen more and more people present their full, authentic selves on social media.  These champions of transparency are influencing others to follow suit.

I hope this article helps you in understanding anxiety, overcoming your anxiety, and/or presenting your full self to the world around you.

My social anxiety first came into play in middle school.  I was invited to a neighbor’s birthday party, who invited me out of pure kindness on his part.  He ran with the cool kids, and I was the shy kid who had one really close friend … and that was it.

The birthday celebration included dinner and a pool party.  During dinner, I felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable as I sat silently amongst dozens of classmates sharing inside jokes and hot gossip.  I felt excluded, ignored, and out of place.  At different points throughout dinner, my cheeks would get hot with embarrassment.

During the pool party portion, all my classmates were frolicking around the pool.  I, again, sat awkwardly and uncomfortably off to the side.  I felt so isolated, shunned, and unwelcomed.  One particularly nice girl did approach me and ask how I was doing, which only added to my sentiment of solitude.  I promptly left the party, retreated to my house, and carried that experience to high school.  I didn’t want to feel excluded or ignored by my peers ever again, so I proactively chose to exclude and ignore them as I entered ninth grade.

Throughout high school, I was a loner.  I excelled in academics and athletics, but I never hung out with anyone outside of school.  I was afraid to re-experience the same feelings of loneliness and awkwardness; additionally, I never thought I would add value to my classmates outside of the classroom.  For some reason, I always figured I would drag people down, just like I dragged myself down during middle school.

Let’s fast forward to college.  During my first two years, I had a few acquaintances at best.  I spoke a total of fifty words to my dormmate.  I went to class, went to the gym, and returned to my dorm to watch hours of random movies.  No clubs, no extracurriculars.  A few friendly faces got me out of my funk every now and again, but I never initiated friendly activities with them.

I wasn’t committing the same energy and passion to my coursework or to athletics.  I slumped through my first two years with fear, doubt, and complacency weighing me down.

At the end of my second year, I took a leap of faith.  I pledged a fraternity.  A couple of charming, nice guys approached me in the street and invited me to visit their fraternity during rush week.  Lucky for me, one of my roommates was with me and eventually convinced me to visit that fraternity.

When I entered the fraternity house, many of the brothers approached ME.  I didn’t feel like the middle school version of myself; rather, I felt like the cool birthday boy.  I connected with the brothers, discussed my career interests with them, and committed to that fraternity before returning to my dorm that same night.  My roommate hadn’t committed, but that didn’t matter – I had tasted my first sense of belonging in an unbelievably long time.

As I engaged more fraternity brothers, I began to relate to each brother individually.  I played intramural sports with them, participated in community service events with them, and even studied with them.  With my new sense of belonging, I was able to muster just enough of my prior interest in academics and athletics to keep myself afloat in college.

However, I wasn’t able to fully rekindle my prior passions for academics and athletics.  I was still riddled with guilt and shame, and I was extremely selective in which brotherhood events I attended.  I battled with my anxiety throughout undergrad, and I couldn’t seem to control it when I wanted.  Instead of enjoying parties and networking with others, I opted to serve as “security” for our events so I could sit on the sidelines and disengage from partygoers.

I didn’t feel comfortable socializing with people I didn’t know … even though they came to MY fraternity house to fraternize.  That’s the whole point of a fraternity, right?

Although I learned how to relate with a select group of individuals, I still couldn’t fit in at large events or strike up conversations with strangers.  I was unconfident, unsure of myself, and unwilling to fight my fear of truly connecting with others.

After undergrad, I worked in Tampa for a year.  I had an awesome roommate who was extremely sociable and had friends over all the time.

Over the course of that entire year, I hung out with him and his friends twice.  Once to pick them up from a night on the town, and another night joining them on the town.  I lasted ten minutes and then walked back home – I couldn’t handle the crowded bar and dance floor.  I couldn’t relate to my roommate’s friends.  I couldn’t get out of my head and enjoy the experience.

After that awkward experience, I began to pretend that I was asleep when his friends were over … to avoid interacting with them and any ensuing awkwardness.  It would be 8:00 on a Saturday night, and I’d pretend that I was sleeping.  As if I wasn’t already awkward enough with this ploy, my roommate actually shouted, “BYE KYLE!,” upon leaving with his friends one night.  Clearly I wasn’t fooling anyone.

I spent almost every moment of that year by myself, unwilling and unable to put myself out there and actually engage people.  I had completely isolated myself, and I couldn’t manage my social anxiety in the slightest.

-Stay tuned for Part 2, where I reveal the turning point in my journey with social anxiety-