These days, “thought leaders” and “life gurus” are a dime a dozen.
They give endless amounts of advice and attract a mass following of dedicated fans.
People need advice. They need insight. They need direction.
Thought leaders and life gurus can fill these particular needs.
But what about the other half of the story?
People need to be heard. They need real-time connection. They need the opportunity to be truly vulnerable.
Thought leaders and life gurus cannot satisfy these needs, no matter how active they are on social media.
This is where YOU come in.
You were given two ears and one mouth.
Instead of being so quick to diagnose and advise a friend or colleague, take a step back and really LISTEN.
Close that mouth of yours, and open up your ears.
Actively engage, listen, and connect.
People don’t always want advice. They get enough of that from their parents and their social media influencers.
What they want is a transparent, genuine exchange of thought and feeling.
There are many things to be said about venting and releasing one’s angst or frustration through dialogue. In fact, the most important thing to be said is what is actually being said during this dialogue!
When you’re on the receiving end of this dialogue, you have to pay attention to both what is being said … and what is not being said.
Read between the lines by leveraging your situational awareness and emotional intelligence. Given context, body language, and previous encounters with the other person, you can typically determine when the other person is seeking advice or seeking comfort.
If EQ isn’t your strong suit, or you’re simply more direct, no worries! After you’ve actively listened and the other party has finished his dialogue, don’t say anything.
Seriously, don’t say anything. Look in the other person’s eyes and provide a reassuring look that confirms your engagement and presence in the conversation.
This look alone provides a huge amount of relief to the other person. More often than not, the other person simply wants to release a thought or sentiment and move on with his day. You have provided a platform for which he can do just that.
If you’re really direct, simply ask the other party if he wants your advice. You’d be surprised when you receive a mutually direct response: “No thank you, I just wanted to get this off my chest,” or “Yes please, I’d really appreciate your insight.”
When you ask if the other party wants your advice, you’re validating the other person’s preference to seek insight or to simply vent. When you actively listen, engage, and connect with the other person simply by being present, you’re validating the other person’s thoughts, emotions, and value.
Make sure you’re present. Make sure you’re actively listening. Asking a follow-up question or two is icing on the cake (if you ask the appropriate questions), but do NOT expect to validate the other person by passively listening and throwing up a half-hearted question or response afterwards. People can see right through that.
These venting dialogues or not about you. Don’t zone out by preparing your follow-up response. Don’t throw in a story about how you’ve felt what the other party is feeling – although you’d think it’s a way to make a connection, it’s really a way to refocus the conversation on YOU and not on the other person.
Be present. Actively listen, engage, and connect through your presence. Many times, less is more. The less words you use, and the more you open your ears, the more presence you bring to the dialogue. With your presence comes the ability to receive the other person’s vulnerability and validate that person’s humanity.
Don’t be fooled – a venting session is not a monologue. Which is why I’ve referred to the vent as a “dialogue.” Just because you say nothing in response, does not mean you are inactive – your presence (and other nonverbal cues) speak volumes infinitely higher than most words you convey. Silence is a powerful tool that lets our emotions speak for us.
STOP giving advice. START listening. And see your value multiply.
