It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog.
No excuse – I’ve gotten complacent and lost my discipline.
I’ve been battling OCD, depressed energy levels, and a perceived lack of fulfillment in general.
I haven’t felt “okay” for a few months now. It’s become challenging for my mind to calm down and to make myself present.
I continually frustrate myself as I realize what this behavior does to me and to my relationships, yet I’m not doing anything about the behavior because I have no idea how to address it or change it. I don’t even know if I’m strong enough to defeat it.
The truth is, I’m not strong enough on my own.
And I’ve finally realized that it really is okay to not be okay.
Recently I’ve made some pivotal changes in my life.
I’ve started seeing a mindset coach every week. I’ve started seeing a life coach every week as well. And I’ve changed over to a new psychiatrist who changed my diagnosis.
This is all setting the foundation for something big. I don’t know what the “big” is. I don’t even know how that “big” will come together.
But I know that it will. I’m developing a support system that holds me accountable. This system strengthens me when I don’t have enough strength on my own.
And I’m going to return more fervently to my faith. I will discipline myself in the Word, daily, to properly anchor my perspective and actions. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. I can be confident in that and give all control to Him. The future is scary, but what’s even scarier is trying to navigate the future on my own.
With God, a strong family, and newfound relationships, I’m truly excited to see where I’m going. For the first time in a while, I’m looking less at the past and looking forward to the future.
I have to give up the past. I have to give up what I thought my future would hold. I need to be present, in every moment, and make the disciplined decision EVERY day to live out each day to the best of my ability.
Which, in turn, will give me more control, fulfillment, and ownership than I ever thought possible.
I recently spoke with a good friend about my current predicament.
He told me that I have an “indefatigable spirit,” and that my spirit is what makes me unique in this world.
This conversation will continue to stick with me as I step into the future by sticking to the path today. I want to stamp “indefatigable spirit” onto my forehead and into my heart. I want to wear it like a badge of honor.
My friend is right. I’m not a quitter – never have been, never will. And no matter how often I fall, I’m going to rise up, step up, and fight my circumstance.
I’m not okay right now, and that’s okay. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, but when you feel it, you’ll understand it.
It’s a lot like love. I tell my girlfriend all the time: “I can’t begin to describe our love, but I feel it so powerfully every moment. It’s the best feeling that I can’t ever explain. I can only feel it.”
And speaking of my girlfriend – she’s another awesome support system for me. Recently I’ve been opening up to her more about how I’ve been feeling, and she’s been nothing but supportive and encouraging. As I become more open with her and communicate with her, she becomes more open with me. My vulnerability encourages her to be more vulnerable. We keep getting deeper and growing together, day by day. And even though I’m not okay right now, I’ve been able to share my feelings with her, which is transforming our relationship into something progressively deeper and more profound.
That’s one of the many reasons why it’s okay to not be okay … when you’re not okay, but still make progress in different parts of your life despite your “not okayness,” you soon realize that the only thing standing in your way is you. You’ll reclaim a power so grand, a heart so grateful, and a mind so open that you’ll move as confidently when you’re not okay as when you ARE okay.
It’s okay to not be okay. When you truly feel this way, a wave of relief will flood your heart, mind, and soul. What you do with your “not okayness” is up to you – YOU have the ownership and control to do what you wish when you’re not okay. Whether these feelings empower you, or overwhelm you, well … that’s entirely up to you.
Choose empowerment. Choose presence. Choose action. Because even if you’re not okay right now, who’s to say that your “not okayness” won’t fade as quickly as it formed? Feelings are fleeting, and empowerment is eternal.
Do what you wish, but don’t just “wish” for anything. Make it happen. Now. Today. Even if you’re not okay.
Because it’s okay to not be okay. It’s what you do, in the face of “not okayness,” that determines what your life looks like. And more importantly, it’s what determines how you look at your life.
