-If you haven’t read Part 2, you can access it here–
And although my social anxiety hasn’t entirely dissipated, I’ve learned to manage it. I’ve learned to cope.
Every time I get anxious, I tell myself two things: 1) Kyle, you love getting to know people, and 2) Kyle, everyone else is wrapped up in their own worlds– they’re not paying any attention to you.
The first point helps whenever I meet new people, whether at my consulting job or through mutual friends. I’m always nervous when interacting with someone I don’t know, but my new-found appreciation for connecting with others quickly outweighs my initial fears.
Notice how I use the word, “fears.” For me, a lot of my social anxiety still stems from the fear I felt during my “traumatic” experience in middle school. I’m far past middle school now, and the fears I currently experience all come from limiting self-doubt. As I look forward to meeting new people, I replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This process is letting me manage my social anxiety and replace it, over time, with positive social belonging.
The second point, where I remind myself that other people aren’t paying attention to me, helps manage my social anxiety at large, crowded events. Whether at a wedding, Gala, or concert, I replace by irrational self-consciousness with the reminder that I’m not being watched or judged by others. Most other event attendees are engaged in their own thoughts and conversations. A few people watchers here and there are a small price to pay for the conversations, encounters, and memories that these events provide. Again, it’s a matter of the outcome, and the process, outweighing the initial roadblocks of fear and self-doubt.
I can control my fears. I can control how I interact with others. I can control how I respond to the external.
With this ownership, I feel more empowered to engage new experiences with other people. I remind myself how my temporary fears will be replaced by unique experiences, insights, and feelings of belongingness that will work in my favor for the long-term.
I tell myself that I love getting to know people. Which I do. And I tell myself that others aren’t as judgmental of myself as I am. Which is true. But most importantly, I’ve adopted a mindset that enjoys interacting with others and learning from them. Where there is joy, there is growth. My joy, and my growth, are only magnified and synergized when I converse with others.
I have transformed the way I approach people and how I value interactions with others; therefore, I’ve been able to effectively manage and cope with my social anxiety.
This transformation didn’t happen overnight. Through the course of my two-year MBA Program, and over the last four months at work, I’ve progressively opened up and reframed my perspective on human interaction. I take on new challenges that result in gradual, continued improvement.
Just like a muscle, it’s important for me to continually engage people to counteract my social anxiety. Whether it’s setting up time to speak with leaders in my company, or networking with LinkedIn contacts over the phone, I find that I can continually reinforce the benefits, and pure joy, that arise from being in community with others. I’ve garnered a sense of belonging, and more importantly, a sense of identity, that give even more meaning to all of my interactions. With this reinforcement, I’m continually motivated to push myself and connect with others.
Sure, I still have bad days with social anxiety. But I never let those days take me over. I continue to value myself, value others, and value the synergies that arise from engaging people.
Take your journey a step at a time. And don’t compare your current state to anyone else’s – you know where you’ve been, and you can appreciate what you’ve grown into. And you can look forward to continued growth and development in the future.
Managing social anxiety is a process. It comes over time, incrementally. Don’t put pressure on yourself to immediately excel in social situations – this pressure will make you crumble and only influence you to retract from socializing. Instead, I encourage you to relax, take one step at a time, and never be hard on yourself. Sometimes you’ll take a step back, but as long as you keep looking at the next step (in other words, the next social interaction), you’ll climb up those stairs in due time.
When I was at the Madison Square Garden concert, in the midst of my awkwardness and loneliness in a sea of people, I got out of my chair and stood up with my head held high. I looked onto the stage, and something hit me. Even though I was overwhelmed by my social anxiety during the concert, I was able to take a step back, reflect, and recognize just how far I’ve come in my journey. And once I had this realization, a wave of relief washed over me.
My anxiety mitigated, my confidence soared, and I proceeded to interact with people near me and hold conversations with them. I enjoyed the concert immensely, but not for the music. I enjoyed it because I broke out of my shell, conversed with strangers, and overcame self-doubt with self-assurance. This breakout moment at the concert continues to motivate me to extend myself, and I wish similar experiences and feelings for you as well. Just one moment can fuel the fire that builds over time, constantly growing in size and warmth.
Break out of your shell. In any activity, I recommend you engage early and get involved. Whether it’s a conversation with a stranger or a new job in a large company. Get engaged, get involved, and get joyful!
Learn to love people, and learn to love yourself. And most importantly … have fun! Stop putting pressure on yourself to perform; instead, simply enjoy the moment at hand J Get out of your head by being present in the current moment, experiencing all its glory and the people involved.
Interactions aren’t about you – they’re about others. So stop listening to your self-doubt and limiting beliefs. Stop judging yourself. Stop thinking that others are judging you. Be present, be mindful, and enjoy the act of connecting with others.
Lots of people have some form of anxiety. And it’s very easy to feel overwhelmed by staying in your own head space.
And although it’s counterintuitive, you can manage, cope with, and overcome social anxiety by being social. Getting out of your head and inserting yourself into a basic social situation, like conversing with a friend, will help calm your anxiety and release your anxious feelings. Additionally, you will begin to build momentum towards engaging more social situations and better managing your social anxiety through practice and muscle memory.
Social anxiety doesn’t have to limit you. It’s within your control. You just have to find what drives you to overcome it.
I found a love for people. A love for self-growth. And an urgency to fight my limiting beliefs.
If you have some form of anxiety, or face other personal challenges, I truly hope you can accept yourself and find the fire inside of you to adapt and overcome. So much is within your control – but then again, so much is also outside your control. Stop getting anxious about what you CAN’T control, be grateful for what you CAN control, and enjoy the process of being an imperfect, yet beautiful, human being.
I thank God for being with me every step of the way. I’m utterly imperfect, impatient, and anxious, and He continues to pick me up and put me on the path that leads to Him. The path of acceptance, unconditional love, and unrelenting strength.
Never forget to unconditionally love and accept yourself – the imperfect, the beautiful, and everything in between.
Have faith. Have faith in God. Have faith in yourself. Let your faith overpower your fear, which will ultimately mitigate your anxiety.
And be free 🙂 Freedom comes from faith’s conquering of fear!
–I hope this 3-part series was of value to you. Leave a comment if you have any insights of your own!–
